Headlines From the Edge: "Jobs Defends New iPhone Without A Screen"

The new "i-WAS" is not the embarrassing failure that many claim it is, according to Apple chief Steve Jobs. "Anyone can look through a window," stated Jobs to a silent crowd. "Apple users are smarter than that. If you know what you have and know what the iWas can do, why do you need to see it?" And while nobody can say for sure that the latest gadget actually does anything (because the device's allegedly state of the art features have yet to be accessed), it is still the surprising hottest seller in a crowded e-marketplace.

Headlines From the Edge: "Obama Issues Primary Challenge to Self"

Finally winding up the last few stops of the campaign that landed him in office almost two years ago, President Obama has already started setting his sights on the 2012 election.


He didn't let his vacation, (now in its sixth week), stop him from making carefully choreographed surprise stops. In one, the President took time out to address the nation. "If the previous administration thinks they're going to get away with pulling the wool over the eyes of the American people, they've got another thing coming," Obama said. "Are you better off than you were when I walked in here? Heck no! What you really need is for me to come in and fix this mess we've inherited. And how many times are we going to hear 'hope and change' before it becomes 'hope things change'? You can go back to the failed policies of the past, or you can stick with me." The unscripted tirade which capped off the rare Obama press conference lasted more than ten minutes before the broadcast was cut and replaced with a rerun of "I Love Lucy". TOTUS, the official Presidential Teleprompter Of The United States could not be reached for comment.

Headlines From the Edge: "Obama Pushes Reset Button on First Term: "The Next Four Years Are Going to be Great ""

In his latest plan to succeed at fundamentally changing the country, the President returned to the site where some say his presidency was born, the Illinois State House, where he was greeted a cheering crowd. In prepared remarks, the president acknowledged difficulty in communicating his agenda to the majority of Americans, based on historically low poll numbers. "It's obvious, from the millions of jobs saved or created, that we've been successful. But it's just as obvious that a majority of Americans, many of them in the employ of the insurance companies and the Tea Party, simply don't understand. So rather than try to explain it to more than half the country, I'm going to use the same method that has been so successful in thawing relations with the Russians. I'm hereby officially, under my absolute authority as President, pushing the reset button on this term. The gulf oil spill? Shame on the previous administration. Record deficits and unemployment? Shame on the previous administration. Starting right now," he paused to push a large plastic red button, "it's the start of Obama, First Term, 2.0. And the next four years are going to be great!"

Headlines From the Edge: Man Wastes Day Off, Doesn't Care

Fred Boyington of Dander, Illinois found himself with a paid day off from his job at the library due to a scheduling error, and rather than use the time to work on his car or a new guitar riff that had been frustrating him for the last week, he chose instead to sleep until ten am and then watch several hours of cartoons. "Sure, I could change the alternator in my car, but what's the point? It's just a car. And the riff will be there tomorrow. I wake up to it every day. How often to you get a chance to watch cartoons and get paid for it?"

Headlines From the Edge: Obama Outlines Bold Space New Initiative: "Let Them Come To Us!"

Following luke-warm reaction to his initiative to depend on private citizens and corporate America to push the manned space program to Mars and beyond, the president 're-clarified' his bold vision for the future, stating that since extra-terrestrials have the greater ability to travel easily through space, they should carry the greater burden of putting humans on their planets. "Hey, you know," the president explained, "you've seen their ships. You've read the books. Now let the experts in the Federal government do what it does best. We have the right plan to redistribute their technology and save or create dozens of jobs in the process."

Headlines From the Edge: "New App For the Diaper Set"

Blackberry users, as well as devotees of all the i-gadgets that are so much a part of our lives will now have a way of bringing the youngest members of society into their lists of facebook friends and Tweet followers. The new App comes with an easily insertable device to be attached to every new diaper that alerts the parent that a new movement has occured. There is, as of yet, no date for the release of the iPood.

Headlines From the Edge: "Death Valley Expected to Run Out of Sand in Five Years"

The Department of the Interior announced that Death Valley National Park is expected to run out of sand within five years if fundamental regulatory changes aren't enacted immediately. The Obama administration cited excesses during the Bush administration for the shortfall, and insisted that while "only extreme measures, including 'income-based surcharges' will be required to lay the necessary groundwork to begin studying the best way to form an exploratory committee to decide on how to begin examining the underlying foundations for addressing the idea of evaluating the validity of bringing the full weight of the Federal Government down on the issue", the President insisted that it did not constitute an unnecessary tax increase. When asked to remind the American People of the nature of the specific crisis, President Obama declined, citing a malfunction with the teleprompter as the reason, but promised to appoint a Czar to study that issue. "Hey," the President added, "that's another job saved or created!"

Headlines From the Edge: 2012= Oops!

Scientists studying the Mayan calender, scheduled to crash to a stop on December 21st, 2012, have made an astonishing discovery that is apparently backed up by Nostradamus. Records kept by the Mayans reveal that the calender was mistakenly set to end in 2012 because of an error by a senior scientist who was trying to balance two mistresses, one of whom happened to work at a bank he'd run afoul of. As far as can be determined, the Mayan prediction for the end of the world actually cames at 332am, US Pacific Time, May Second 2010, though this has been disputed by

Headlines From the Edge: "New Jersey Housecat Beats Obama in Theoretical Head-to-Head Matchup"

Desperate Debbie, a New Jersey tabby has beaten President Obama in a theoretical presidential matchup, according to a recent poll held in Old Bridge, New Jersey last weekend. According to the unscientific poll of one thousand respondents, Desperate Debbie garnered 65% percent of the votes against Obama's 12%. The remaining 23% expressed more interest in what flavor of Friskie's moist catfood would be served at the theoretical inauguration. A White House spokesman responded by pointing out that wild excesses in the catfood industry in the eight years of the Bush administration had skewed the results, while Desperate Debbie yawned, then rolled over and went to sleep.

Headlines From The Edge: Feb 28 2009

Obama Proposes Starfleet as Part of Stimulus

President Barack Obama revealed an ambitious part of his stimulus plan today, ordering the construction of twelve Constitution Class starships. "This is just the sort of bold thinking we need to take us into the next several centuries," he said. "And don't worry about the price tag. You've seen Star Trek. By the time our Starfleet is finished, money won't exist anyway. It's a win-win proposition. And this should put an end to the talk about me changing the constitution. C'mon. They're called 'Constitution Class' for a reason."

Increase in Alien Visitors Due to Recession

Alien Ambassador #@")€¥123007 spoke before a joint session of Congress today, making the case for alien university students. He explained that the world-wide recession is a boon for students in his home galaxy. He said, through an interpreter, that students would typically have trouble abducting subjects for their research projects, but with times so tough on Earth, a few dollars or a can of pork and beans have volunteers lining up for miles. The ambassador added that any attempt to ease the recession could set the study of humans back by at least fifty years.

Man Literally Laughs All the Way to the Bank

A man who refused to identify himself left his small house in Americus, Georgia and walked to a local Bank of America branch, literally laughing all the way to the bank. Witnesses said that he was laughing when he stepped out of his house, and kept laughing as he walked down the sidewalk. He safely crossed three intersections and then a full city block, and was still laughing when he walked into the bank. There was noone walking with him, and the local CTU (Counter-Terrorism Unit) office reported that he was not using a cellphone or mobile device of any kind. Whether he is actually off his rocker, or might be the bank CEO is still a matter of speculation.



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