Headlines From the Edge: "New Jersey Housecat Beats Obama in Theoretical Head-to-Head Matchup"

Desperate Debbie, a New Jersey tabby has beaten President Obama in a theoretical presidential matchup, according to a recent poll held in Old Bridge, New Jersey last weekend. According to the unscientific poll of one thousand respondents, Desperate Debbie garnered 65% percent of the votes against Obama's 12%. The remaining 23% expressed more interest in what flavor of Friskie's moist catfood would be served at the theoretical inauguration. A White House spokesman responded by pointing out that wild excesses in the catfood industry in the eight years of the Bush administration had skewed the results, while Desperate Debbie yawned, then rolled over and went to sleep.