Headlines From the Edge: "Death Valley Expected to Run Out of Sand in Five Years"

The Department of the Interior announced that Death Valley National Park is expected to run out of sand within five years if fundamental regulatory changes aren't enacted immediately. The Obama administration cited excesses during the Bush administration for the shortfall, and insisted that while "only extreme measures, including 'income-based surcharges' will be required to lay the necessary groundwork to begin studying the best way to form an exploratory committee to decide on how to begin examining the underlying foundations for addressing the idea of evaluating the validity of bringing the full weight of the Federal Government down on the issue", the President insisted that it did not constitute an unnecessary tax increase. When asked to remind the American People of the nature of the specific crisis, President Obama declined, citing a malfunction with the teleprompter as the reason, but promised to appoint a Czar to study that issue. "Hey," the President added, "that's another job saved or created!"